Well....

I actually hesitated posting this blog. I know my best friend will be reading this, and I don't want her to worry. But I need to get this off my chest... Because it is creating a massive amount of stress...

I haven't been feeling the best in the world lately. I have unsuccessfully failed at achieveing goals, I am not the woman I should be, nor am I the woman that I could be. I am so tired of my life. It seems somedays that I am in a constant struggle just to make it to the next breath. I don't know what to do.

I try to remain cheerful, because afterall, who wants to be around a wet rag all the time? The worst part of it is, is that my 22nd birthday is coming up. And I am still struggling with what I want to do in life.

I used to think I wanted to be a doctor, and part of me still wants to be--but truthfully, I work to hard to support myself and am involved with to much stuff to even be a likely candidate. Most days I am too tired to sleep. Imagine that. Too tired to sleep and too tired that my brain won't recognize words, so I can't study. Which of course makes me feel like a bigger failure.

What do you do when you done all you can? Donnie McClurkin says stand, but what if you have been standing so long, your legs are about to collapse from sheer exhaustion? It seems I have been fighting my whole life for something--I fought to escape the hood I lived in, I fought to prove that I am not just some statistic, I fought the family demons, I have fought my own demons, I fought racism and sexism, I fought classism from my own people. I have fought so long and so hard that I have forgotten what I was fighting for. These degrees absolutely mean nothing to me. I am just that tired. I am actually wishing at this moment that I never went to college.

I am a fighter. But I have been fighting for more than 16 years to escape... Ghetto survival is not to be glorified. I feel like the shell of a human. The scars that I have run deep--even when I actually sleep I am haunted--haunted by God because I focus on myself insttead of him when things get too hard.

I am just simply tired. I don't have a postive outlook on life--I can never have one. I am losing my dreams, the ones I used to have as a child, the ones they told you to hold on to and never let go of... My grip is almost gone, and reality is stomping on those dreams, and stomping them to death.

I have been fighting with every drop that is in my sinew. I have tried to be the change that I wanted to see in the world. I have given everything in me to accomplish my goals. I feel like John McCain. All his life he wanted to be president. But God allowed Barack Obama to become president so that he could give hope to people. Sadly, McCain's dream of becoming president was crushed so that millions could have hope. I don't want to be a sacrificial lamb. I don't want my dreams crushed. I don't want to suffer that kind of pain.


That's it for now...it's getting kind of long.


Peace and Blessings
Bumble

P.S. Check out these songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFRCh0Jz44w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfxaNR71tYM