Sometimes Vacations Aren't What They Seem

Hello all,

It has been a while since I have suffered from insomnia. Oddly enough, it decided to resurface when I am supposed to be relaxing...That's right on vacation. Maybe it's because I am uberexcited to see one of my best friends that I haven't seen in a year.

I have been thinking more than usual, and I haven't had time to type because summer classes are extremely consuming. But they will erupt in an extremely long post. Hope that you can go the distance :).

I believe that there are times in our lives when we question our very existence. We go through and question our purpose, our next breath, even our next blink. Through these methods do we determine who we are going to be?

How do we decide who we are going to be?

Some say they always knew that they wanted to be such and such, but do they ever question how or why?

I decided that who I wanted to be was a doctor. I have made many errors on this journey, but I have decided that I would give it my all to make this dream become a reality, but what if my all isn't good enough? Do I make a plan B?

All my life, I have worried. Worried that I wasn't liked, or that I am not pretty enough, or not smart enough, or that I lack what it takes to make my dreams come true. I worry every second of every day, like life isn't already hard enough. I am a type A person.

When I was in the eighth grade, I read Langston Hughes most famous poem Dream Deferred. That simple poem questions what happens to those dreams that we do not pursue. But we all know what happens to those of us who lack the ability to be fit enough to survive.

Life is the cruelest teacher. The most metaphorically used statement about life. Probably because it is the undisputed truth. Life takes no prisoners, doesn't discriminate, and whips everyone. Life beats you if you are right and beats you if you are wrong. Point blank period.

Examine a broken person. Look around bus stops and near the local homeless shelters. Look when you are at a stop light. On your job. Hell look in your church. Every where there are broken people. You will know them. They are distinctive. They may live, but the piece of their soul that is missing because they couldn't survive life's pitfalls, calls out to your soul if you are searching for it. It will change you.

Recently, because of my car accident, I have been examining the souls of the broken. I looked and saw something that burned my soul. To watch someone live without a piece of themselves is utter torture--so it is almost unimaginable that these people continue carry one. If they laid down and died, I couldn't blame them. All I wanted to do is help them, give them a piece of whatever they lost back. But even if I could, the scars that they suffered and bare would still be deeper that the deepest depth I could ever create a simile for. But how is it possible to help a person find a piece of themselves that they've lost to living?

In that instance, I believe that only God could heal those wounds. Watching the broken, I saw something that disturbed me so greatly. I saw something extremely familiar....pain. I cringed when I saw through these people's eyes and saw their nakedness. The worst part of it all--I worried if they saw mine. The shell of who I am and who I am becoming. I cringed at the thought that I could end up in that kind of pain. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to become who I wanted to become. I realize God is who he is, and his will trumps mine. But God wouldn't allow me to make those dreams if there weren't anyway that I could accomplish them. That would be cruel of Him.

I couldn't walk around broken like that. Life can be a doosey sometimes. Pains can erupt any time, place, or date. But living constantly in that kind of pain would be unbearable.

So, faith, as my pastor said one sermon, is an action word. The time has come for me to proverbially put my money where my mouth is and put up or shut up.

I guess you know what that means.

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!

Well you don't have to blog everyday right?

Hey all, I hope this blog finds you in good health and strength.


Updates: Lost car in a car accident. Car totaled. Got into my first accident and got my first ticket in the same day. Not going to be happy when I renew my insurance premium.

Started class! Yay, but I have to study soon, so this will be brief.

You ever wonder why life can be so good for others and not for your self, or are we looking at our lives with a magnifying glass and other's life from a bird's eye view?

Recently, I told myself, right after the accident when I was down about not having a car, (which also launched me into the worst depression state that I have ever been in) that no matter how life looks, I am going to be determined to look at my life in a bird's eye view and not a magnifying glass. Now there will be times when I will be required to inspect my life to see if there will be changes that need to be made, and during those times, I will pull out my magnifying glass. But other than that, bird's eye view. What's the point of getting down about something that I can't change immediately. I keep going through the same tests over and over again, because I am so stubborn.

I am so ready to take classes in the fall. More ready to graduate in December. And Super ready to start over in Spring 2010.


Two songs that are important to me when I am feeling a bit down: Lithium-Evanesence and Lonely- Neyo. They are great songs, but if you are super depressed, please don't listen. I don't want you to hurt yourself.


Peace and blessings
BUMBLE!!!!

So it's been a while...

Just an update.

I am doing well...working two jobs, about to start class on the 7th of July...what more can a girl ask for?

In recent news, the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, has been caught cheating. I could care less about his personal life, but I do care that he was using my tax dollars to do it...

I mean, I have never been to Argentina, but over the last several months he's been, going to see the chick on the side.

I feel sorry for his family. I can't imagine what his wife must be going thorough. Had to stop and think about that one...

Once again, this lessens my faith in marriage...(see previous post)


God has been continually blessing me, and even when it seems rough, God always has my back.

I don't know what else to say. Life seems ritual now. But even in its dullness, I am happy to be alive...

That's it for now.

Peace and Blessings
Bumble

Insomniac Thoughts

It's official. I am an insomniac. I don't sleep regularly anymore.

So I decided to write. Well type, but you get the gist.

Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of things.

But mostly, not being productive... Well not personal productivity, or things that would benefit me.

What I want to accomplish is bigger than me. It's become who I am. Accomplishment. The process of going after what you plan and want in life.

Outside of my career goals, however, I have done little planning.

Most girls my age know when, where, and why they want to get married. They know how many kids they want. What style house. How everyone will dress. What activities they will participate in...

I'm still hung up on the marriage part.

As a Christian, I believe that you are only supposed to get married once. If you divorce, you cause you and your partner to commit adultery--whether or not you get remarried.

I do enough of my own sinning to know that I can't be responsible for someone else's sins, especially, if they were the ones who decided that they wanted to walk out. Furthermore, with the divorce rate being 50%, I know I want to know who my partner is completely before taking that step.

Marriage is a vow to God. And it is better for you not to make that vow if you know you might not keep it. God, in the bible, compares it to a dog licking up its own vomit.

That is not to say that people who are divorced aren't Christians. That also isn't to say that all people who are married are Christian.

There are some instances that require divorce (abuse, incest, etc) but even then, the sin is still committed. But for me, the sin is outweighed by the content of the actions...

To say that I am confused my marriage is an understatement. (I didn't want to make this blog all about marriage, but that is where my fingers are taking me.) Love, apparently, is confusing enough, but marriage---is another whole issue.

I believe that there is one Adam for every Eve.

But what if something happens to that Adam? (i.e. Meets someone else of another background, becomes homosexual, becomes asexual, becomes non sexual (like a priest)) Then what?

What if life beats Adam down so badly that he doesn't want to search for his Eve? Where does that leave Eve?

Then there is the whole "the man is the head of household " thing. Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with that, if Black men weren't so afraid of Black women. If a man were willing to step up to the plate, show me that he deserves to be followed, that he is a man of God, and loves me genuinely, I will move mountains and moon to ensure that his dreams and mine would come true.

I would spend my days aiding him to make him the best man he wants to be. I would spend my nights, being the best lover for him that I could be. I would soothe all of his wounds with my tears, and demolish those who cause him to hurt. I would take care of him, if he made sure my every need was supplied (as much as humanly possible).

If he loved me and never cheated, I would give him all of me, with the exception of what belongs to God--(my soul), but even a piece of that would be his, because if he is truly a Christian, that will be something that him and God would share, because he would reserve it for God too. And if he took the time to love me the way that God instructed him (As Christ loved the church), I would sacrifice me for him and treat him like the King he is.

But in today's world, Black men feel that that is asking too much. I weep for our former kings.

http://livesteez.com/livestyle/read/90/The-Blessing-The-Apparent-Curse-Of-a-Strong-Black-Woman


That article pretty much sums it up.
Here is another interesting one, that is also related (distantly) to this blog:

http://www.thenewblackmagazine.com/view.aspx?index=50

Thanks to @Shesouldeep {on Twitter, you should follow her} for providing them on June 8th..

I am at the point where I believe that Adam has given up on looking for me. I don't go looking for him. (See Proverbs 18:22)

One of my best friend's mom says that that shouldn't stop me from making myself available, because after all, God isn't going to drop him in the living room...

Well I think that is it for know. I know that I could type forever about this. It's an ongoing mental debate.

That's it for now.

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!

Scribe's Spell

I scribble sections of my soul
on pieces of plain paper--
I entertain eagerly--
Legibly, learning, and lapping
Lovers of language lavishly and liquidly.
Surely scribes script sums sized
plus--more pleasingly plump than this
easily words exonerate the enchanted
linguists, leaving them
longing for lingual lullabies.

By Beatrice Pate bka BUMBLE!!!

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!!

Life is Music

I am writing this as the insomniac that I have become. Although, I do sleep, the insomnia episodes occur more than I would like them to.

But I decided to post because I haven't posted a music list in a while.

Cadillac Pimpin Music

1. Babylon--Outkast
2. Jazzy Belle--Outkast
3. Southernplayalisticadillacmusik--Outkast
4. Aquemini--Outkast
5. Elevators--Outkast
6. (well, if you are reading this you already know I am an Outkast fan)
7. Liberation--Outkast ft Erykah Badu, Cee-lo, and Big Rube
8. Synthsizer--Outkast
9. Return of the "G'--Outkast
10. Da Art of Storytelling Pts 1 &2--Outkast
11. Spottieottiedopalicious-Outkast
12. Chonkyfire--Outkast
13. Hollywood Divorce--Outkast
14. Crumblin 'Erb--Outkast
15. Mamacita--Outkast
16. Decatur Psalm-Outkast
17. We Luv Deez Hoes--Outkast
18. (Outkast songs--over for now)
19. The Game Belongs To Me--UGK
20. It Was a Good Day--Ice Cube
21. Act Too--The Roots Ft Common
22. Ain't Nothing But A G Thing--Dr. Dre ft Snoop Dogg
23. Spaceship--Kanye West
24. Coming Where I'm From--Anthony Hamilton
25. Cell Therapy--Goodie Mob ft Outkast
26. Ghetto Child--Curtis Mayfield
27. Cutie Pie--The Gap Band
28. Cadillacs on 22's--David Banner
29. Different Times-Raphael Saadiq
30. Didn't Ya Know--Erykah Badu
31. Po Pimp-Do or Die
32. Ms Fat Booty--Mos Def
33. Don't Say Goodnight--Isley Bros
34. Dr. Carter--Lil Wayne
35. Just Like Music--Erick Sermon ft Marvin Gaye
36. For The Good Times--Al Green
37. Freddie's Dead--Curtis Mayfield
38. We People Who Are Darker Than Blue--Curtis Mayfield
39. Go Go Gadget Flow--Lupe Fiasco
40. Grandma's Hands--Bill Withers
41. Grippin the Grain--Bonecrusher
42. Hit Da Flow--Da Dirty Boyz
43. Wanna Be a Baller--Lil Troy
44. In The Middle--Trey Songz (it's good riding music lol...if you seen some of my other music posts, you'd get the pun)
45. International Player's Anthem--UGK ft Outkast
46. I Choose You--Willie Hutch
47. 3 Kingz--Slim Thug, Bun B, and TI
48. Between the Sheets--Isley Bros
49. Kick Push--Lupe Fiasco
50. Let Me Ride--Dr. Dre Ft Snoop Dogg
51. I Cry--Millie Jackson
52. Lick Shots--Missy Elliott
53. Makings of You--Curtis Mayfield
54. People Get Ready--Curtis Mayfield
55. Radio--Musiq Soulchild
56. Still Dre--Dr. Dre ft Snoop Dogg
57. Blac Mermaid--Society of Soul (that one will be hard to find, guarantee it)
58. Summer Madness--Kool and the Gang
59. Paper Planes--M.I.A.
60. (Not Just) Knee Deep--Parliament
61. Pusherman-Curtis Mayfield
62. Regulators--Warren G ft Nate Dogg
63. and last but not least Diamond in the Back--Curtis Mayfield

This list is getting kind of long...

So this is it for now.

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!

I'm not that kinda of girl

For as long as I can remember, I have heard the following words, ''You're such a pretty girl, and if you dressed up and did your hair, you'd probably find a man.'' Total strangers, family, friends, church people have told me this. At first, it used to hurt me terribly--I used to go home and cry about it. As I've gotten older, I've had time to ponder it.

I know there is an inner diva. But I never learned to release her.

She's been trapped so long, that she won't come out.

I'm okay with that. She is too.

I'm the kinda of girl that wears basketball shorts, sneakers, and T-shirts, but wears sexy underwear.

But I'm not the kinda girl who changes to make other people happy.

Maybe no man will ever want to attempt to know me because of the clothes I wear, but at least I will be comfortable.

Why do people always assume they know what's best for you? Aren't I grown? I know they mean well, but you'd think they'd be more careful about it.

But then again, I am a person who can appreciate honest truth, even if it's brutal.

I really don't mean to sound melodramatic, but I feel like this needs to be known.

In other news, phase II of my educational goals, I've gotten a great work-study/internship at the School of Medicine in the Department of Genetics. Since I want to get my Ph.D in Genetics, I think this a really great step.

That's it for now.

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!